SO YEA, tldr, me and my boyfriend (now FIANCE!!!) went on a vacation to Chicago (a place very dear to me since I was a child) to spend our anniversary after being together for 6 years. We had done TONS of things for the whole week and around the last day, we drove into my hometown across the border and hung out at the park I used to go to as a child. We walked together and talked and spent lots of time together while I reminisced with him. We were both so calm and at peace on this walk.
At some point on our walk, we saw a fuzzy black and orange caterpillar on the ground that seemed to be crossing the trail. We looked closer and we discovered that it had died. I got very sad and started to cry because it seemed like it was trying to cross to the other side but froze and died and didn't make it. I don't know why but it hurt my heart so bad. We felt like we couldn't leave our spots until we did something about it. I guess we felt like we witnessed the determination and will to survive by this caterpillar and got so touched by it, that we didn't want its efforts to go to waste. Leaving it alone in the cold felt like we satisfied the indifference of nature.
We grabbed a leaf and brought it to the grass and covered it in leaves and I placed a white fuzzy dandelion on it. I wanted to cry even more but my fiance comforted me and we kept walking. The caterpillar was an Isabella Tiger Moth. I don't know how to describe it without feeling a little pathetic, but that occurence reminded me of the innocence I had when I was little. Lifting up caterpillars and putting them in safer spots with a leaf. As an adult, I still have this pure innocent child inside me piloting me for random moments. We continued onto the trail feeling better since we did something about it.
We did some more walking and I visited my childhood home. I was so happy to see it again. Memories involuntarily replayed of my childhood. Seeing myself ride my bike up and down the street and loving the smell of grass and flowers in our front yard.
After that, my fiance and I explored more of my hometown. Later on, we had plans to go to Navy Pier. We arrived and decided to jump on the ferris wheel. It was FREEZING cold and we were worried we'd get on it and freeze from the wind since last time I went, the carriage had no windows. Thankfully this time it was enclosed with a heater. I remember getting on and giggling like crazy because I knew in the back of my mind, this is the perfect time to be proposed to. He kept laughing too and being like "What? Haha.. what?" and I just said nothing, I lied that I thought about something funny. We looked out to the city and the sun was setting. It looked incredible, defintely like a dream. My fiance finally went for it and inched off the seat to lead his knee to the floor. He pulled the ring out. It was a rose gold ring with small vines encasing a transparent pink morganite gem with flairs of tiny diamonds surrounding it. It was so pretty. I loved the color and it matched my skin nicely when I put the ring on. He started crying by seeing me so emotional. He asked the question and of course I said yes. We hugged tightly and I told him he already knew the answer to that. We had a dream-like rest of the day. We went to a christmas light festival and we ice skated for what felt like forever. Things could not have played out any better and I am going to remember this experience until I die.
So thats how I got engaged! I wouldn't ask for things to be different right now. I feel like the luckiest person in the world. Now I am home from what might have been the most phenomenal trip I've been on. This time now, with the love of my life!
Now that the main event is over, I can talk about other things on my mind.
So christmas was one of my favorite holidays. The festive feeling and rising happiness in my mind down to my stomach would help me get through the days and feel a lot of spirit. I looked forward to decorating, seeing others decorations, eating food, spending time with loved ones, listening to christmas music and gift giving. However, every year I get older, the child-like excitement and festivity only seemed to decrease. The last festive feeling I've had was last year. I think it was truly dwindeling around then. This year, I feel absolutely nothing. It saddens me that it got like that when I had been actively been trying to prevent it. Was I constantly chasing a childhood feeling? Is it unrealistic to keep wanting to hold on to a holiday that hard? It must have been a combination of things that went on in my life last year. I considered that maybe getting older and wiser just makes you see everything differently and therefore, fabricated societal ideas just don't hit like they used to since you see the world for what it is. But I hate that! I don't want to be hardened by the world anymore. I was so desperate to get this feeling back that I looked up on google on how to feel ANYTHING about it. It appears there is an epidemic of similar feelings among people my age.
This is so pathetic of me because I am already happy! Are festivities not hitting anymore because I relied on them in a therapuetic way from what I was going through? Maybe thats it. Maybe I am not hardened by the world and rather I am so at peace with life that nothing could improve it since there is nothing to improve. I'll see how I feel by new years. Then I can truly reflect.
Despite that, I hope everyone can enjoy the holidays! I know not everyone celebrates so in that case, I hope you have a great end of year to send off into 2023! (Lord, time flies so fast!)
lets start with the bad things that happened and then end it with happy things
- carpal tunnel had progressed to stage 3 (oh my fucking god it was probably the worst pain in my life) the pain even moved to my left hand which I don't even understand how thats possible. I also noticed that the pain was spreading to my shoulder. I had to take nearly a month off just to heal it. Defintely a low point. I got severely antsy because I couldn't even hold a cup of water without it feeling like there were razor blades in between my tendon strings.
- I still have a love-hate relationship with social media and being miserable on it. I know its like "well andi, just log out." I shan't. You don't understand... I can't just log out. I am tethered to the internet as if it were an extension of myself. Its literally my third mind, where the three states of living is being awake, sleeping, and internet. This is normal for me. Maybe even for you. I just cannot untether even if there was a gun to my head. It makes me miserable but I can't stop INVESTING. I love it so much.
- I am still so very fucking poor and I feel like my career got totally fucked after the pandemic. I was finally seeing an uphill climb until it happened. Lots of opportunities fell through and it was back to square one. I miss when art was fun. Monetizing my art was probably the worst mistake I've ever made.
NOW... for the great news!!
- carpal tunnel and tendonitis is 98% GONE!!! I still feel some moments where I get random twinges of pain, but its totally fine otherwise. I really thought I wouldn't get there! So happy its normal again...
- I got prescribed lamotrigine (a mood stabilizer) to finally confront my bipolar disorder. And holy fuck. I should have been on this shit a really long time ago. No wonder adhd meds weren't enough. It was the fact that anything slightly distressing or upsetting was enough to completely tip me over the edge and knock me off balance, forcing me to just shut down for weeks on end, and I could barely take care of my needs or let alone my living space. I operated like that for years, hoping a manic state would bring me out of it. Manic episodes brought out psychotic symptoms. I've had them since I was a child, but I am learning that the older you get, the harder it is to stay grounded and lucid. I needed to get better control of it before it gets very hard to come down. Which the medicine helped immensely. I can't even put into words how much happier and stable I am.
- After turning 25, I feel like I finally know more about myself as a person. The blurriness of my inner identity gets more solid every month into my mid twenties. I love this age. I think I used to get scared of getting old. Getting older has done nothing but make me happier.
- My friends make me happy and since I've gotten medicated, I feel like I can spend time with them in a more healthy and fulfilling state. No more social anxiety to get in the way of doubts and fears of vulnerability. Now I am just appreciating my time with my loved ones without hesitation.
Thats the run down. Thanks for reading if you did. Have a happy rest of your year!!!!! I'm so damn excited to get into the christmas spirit. I'll be seeing snow soon.
GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!
Wow, so its been a few months. Not much to report on, really. I'm actually in a bad mood right now, haha. I am mainly just experiencing what every mid-20s person attains at some point, a crisis of some kind. I am too tired to even get into it. I just really need to re-evaluate the direction of my life. That's a topic for another day. In the end, I'll be fine! There are already measures being taken to ensure a better future for myself!
Aside from that, I noticed I've been neglecting my website. I really wanted to keep it at consistent updates but I've been severely burnt out. I dealt with a really bad case of carpal tunnel + tendonitis some weeks ago, hindering me from even being able to do art and work. It was the worst I've ever had! Another trigger to my crisis. I never want to experience that again! Even now, by typing, I am really pushing the limits to my wrist. I'll cut it short for now. I'm doing okay! Hoping to get out of this confusion state of where I want to be right now. One more month until summer is over. I am so very pumped for the fall. Fall and winter are my favorite seasons.
I also want to apologize for my art gallery being severely un-optimized and slow to load. I gotta figure that out at some point when I have time..
Anyhow! I hope everyone is staying safe and doing well. I know the world is strange right now so everyone hang in there. Don't push past your limits if you don't need to. Or else you'll turn into me ;-). Good night!
I am currently recovering from a migraine. But before I take a migraine nap, I wanna celebrate reaching 10,000 views!!! I was so surprised but it really means a lot that anyone actually cares about my site. Thanks for the extremely kind messages in my guestbook. I re-read them daily. Thanks for taking the time out of your day if you write in there. It means a lot to me and I am very grateful. I hope to update my web help section as well in case anyone outside of neocities is interested in making their own site. Do not hesitate to email me for specific help!!! I love to help.
I really like to visit "latest updated" section of neocities to check out the newest sites. It's just really nice to see everyones unique style. I have been fickle about the design of my own site, but I think I'm really settled on it now after adding the iframe stuff. I can't believe I'm achieving html/css milestones I thought were too hard to reach!
I'm also dealing with some personal stuff which is holding me back a little from starting a new project. I've been thinking of emulating some video games to de-stress. Theres this game I used to play on the PS2 called "Neopets the Darkest Faerie"
I got so far in it as a kid but the disc had a bug so I could never finish it up to a certain point. I was supposed to collect 4 pieces of an item to progress, but the last piece was missing and wouldn't be logged and it literally glitched itself out of the game. It was a common glitch on gamefaqs so if I wanted to progress, I'd have to start over the ENTIRE game from the beginning to hope that maybe it doesnt softlock this time.
Now that I have a computer that can easily emulate ps2 games, I might try playing it again! I really wanna finish that quest that stayed unfinished from a decade ago. That also sounds like a good concept for a game... a quest that stays perpetually frozen in time.... hmm. Ok well, thats all from me. We'll see what comes of it. Peace!
Heh, I found the tweet I made that got me to make my own website. I had no idea it would become such a relatable statement, but that was sad to me. Twitter is really frustrating. I hope from this point forward, I can start having a healthier relationship with my art.
The unfortunate truth is, I have to connect my livelyhood to twitter. If there was any other alternative that has the same amount of reception, then hell yeah. But for now, we're here.
Nice, we have the first diary page. And knowing myself, it's only going to be updated like once a month. But thats ok! I am not a person of habit. I like the idea of recording segments of my life whenever I feel it to be important. And my long term memory isn't very good. For example, a lot of the past 10 years are a blur. I only seem to have enough storage in my brain for the last 6 months and then it deletes itself. 2020 was defintely one of the worse years, where I don't remember much of anything at all. But then again, it was the year a lot of shit happened. Do I need to elaborate?
Anyway, i've been sulking about my art and my self expression since the year started. I used twitter primarily as a way to recieve income. I do commissions. So far, I've been doing relatively fine in that format, however, some things were weighing on me. Why do I feel so stiff and fake? Why does drawing feel like a chore? Why am I starting to dislike art? Why does my art feel unrecognizable to myself? I kept trying new things, new artistic ventures, but nothing was scratching that itch.
I was venting to my boyfriend about how the internet is so simplistic nowadays. There's not really many places I have total control over my image and expression. One of my biggest epiphanies during that conversation, was that I really do tie my identity with my art. Trying to race the twitter algorithm, staring at my analytics, placing my value on follower count, all that ridiculous stuff.... It was bringing me down. It was killing my spirit.
I ended up taking a crash course on HTML and I really needed to take back control to feel fulilled in my art again. It was liberating to say the least. The last place I can think of with html/css customization, is Tumblr. And don't get me wrong, Tumblr has its infamy, but I am very thankful it gave users access to that. Due to that freeform style of blogging, the communities got so niche, and thats what I loved. You can't find that super niche shit on twitter or other social medias. I do think they leak into other websites but they dissipate rather quickly. And I think thats because of the prioritization of minimalism.
Speaking of Tumblr, a lot of my blinkies and images are hosted on there. I really worry of the day Tumblr shuts down. Years and years of content lost. I hope that doesn't happen. I love my tumblr blog despite barely going on it anymore. It has lots of history. I think a lot of people would be sad too. If tumblr does shut down, I'd have to migrate all my images, lol.
I also have a HUGE disclaimer about my new site. I am INCREDIBLY novice at html, I've been looking at other websites to find good references, as well as resources! But I will be completely frank with you... a lot of my code is very messy, and I had to jerry-rig a lot of my pages. I still don't know how to format my files. I still don't know what a webring is, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. But oh well, I suppose we start somewhere. I think this whole thing has been therapuetic to me. I really wish other artists like who struggle with their self-expression, consider doing something like I did. Because I realized over time, that the main culprit is how absolutely fucking dry the internet has become for creatives.
Also!!! I found one of my old pixel gifs that I created on another website! I was actually really flattered it was there. I'll share it here too because I still think its cute.
That was a rather long diary page. I think my next pages will be simpler. This weekend, I'm going to a nice plaza with my boyfriend. I'm looking forward to it. I've been glued to screens too much. I'm going to try to convince my boyfriend to make a neocities account too. I think he'll like it a lot. He's a software engineer, and feels the same way as I do about the modern internet. it's 2 am now and I really should be going to sleep. Good night! ^q^